Quick Villain Quips, Insults, and Retorts
One of the quickest and easiest ways to spruce up any combat is by throwing in some quippy one-liners for your villains. The right line, insult, or retort can add a whole bunch of flavor at any moment during the game, and helps remind everyone this is a character and not just some pile of stats. Seems easy, right? Well, while you’re running several baddies, tracking who goes next, tackling the music, and describing the outcomes of every interaction, not only can it be hard to remember to do it in the first place but it can also be challenging trying to come up with something appropriate on the spot. Here’s a quick and handy list you can print out and have right by your villain sheets to help you remember to add some verbal sparring in with your actual sparring.
To keep things easy to reference we’re going to break it down by what our villain is doing, each with a list of possible one-liners. They don’t have to be used at every moment but certainly sprinkled in throughout the encounter.
Picture: In a dirt medieval tourney area, a a knight in blue and black vestments finishes off a kneeling green knight, while a red knight lays on the ground slain. A fourth in red and yellow vestments stands behind them, unarmed. A sword stands in the dirt in the foreground.
Making an attack
Hits
Surrender now and I swear you’ll leave with your life.
How many of those can you take, I wonder?
You know, you can only lose so many times.
Send my regards to the afterlife.
I am not going to let you stop me.
Misses
Lucky escape! Let’s see you do it again.
Oh, now that simply will not do.
I promise it’ll be quick and painless if you would just stop moving!
Duck all you want, I’ll get you sooner or later.
You’re no fun. Who else can I play with? (Looking to hit an easier target)
Just Been Hit
Low damaging
I feel I should be insulted by such a paltry wound.
I’ve had splinters worse than whatever that was.
Pathetic. Your shame must hurt more than this weak excuse for an attack.
I’d be worried if you actually drew blood.
I’m sorry, are we actually fighting here or… what?
High damaging
I’ve underestimated you, that won’t happen again.
Would you like to die first, or watch all your friends go before you?
Amazing. Your skills are wasted fighting me.
And yet, I’m still here. (Trying to be intimidating through composure)
I’ll have to pay you back for that, with interest.
Dodged an Attack
Narrowly
If you’re just going to keep dancing around me, the least you could do is buy me dinner.
Temper, temper, my friend.
Very good, I almost broke a sweat there.
I’ll be polite and assume that was a warning shot, even though we both know it wasn’t. Oh dear, I guess that wasn’t so polite after all.
If you could keep not hitting me, I’d very much appreciate it.
By a lot
Be careful, your friends are going to think you’re on my side!
Clearly I don’t need to worry about you.
If you’d like to die of embarrassment now, I’m sure nobody would mind.
I was coming to respect you as an adversary. Not anymore I’m afraid.
Perhaps you would like to just give up and save us all the hassle?
Definitely take some time to tailor a few lines for your notable villains. Each big bad is going to be different and will have phrases unique to their personality and even their abilities. If they’ve had the opportunity to get to know the party of have come across them previously, it’s good to include references to that. For example; “This won’t be like Lakeville again, Jo Smith, you can count on that!” It’s also worth considering that while iron-clad zingers are fun, it’s more fun for the party when you use comments the party can banter to. As always, remember to have fun with it!
